Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
