He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
