He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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