i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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