I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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