he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
