My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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