i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
