I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
