End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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