she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
