Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
