Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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