how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
