Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
