Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
