hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
