My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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