We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize