I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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