being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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