go do what you do best...puke behind churches
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
