Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Randomize
