I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
