wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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