It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
