If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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