you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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