I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
