I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
