his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
