Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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