Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Porn is love you can see.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...