not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
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I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
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Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.