if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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