I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
