i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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