my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
