gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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