I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize