Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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