After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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