This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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