its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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