Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
