If i could tip my vagina, i would.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
