Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
