Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
