Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
