I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
