I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
then he tried to convert me to islam
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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