Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
