Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
