a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize