the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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