gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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