3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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