Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
