it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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