don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
