I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
